FORGIVENESS

I forgave.

I didn’t do it for them, I did it for me.

I had been done wrong time and time again. I was beyond hurt to a place that “Will I ever be treated right?” became a constant question to myself. But with God’s mercy, finally it happened. Once and for all I was done. I wasn’t going to try to show my love anymore. I wasn’t going to wait anymore for them to change. I wasn’t going to be hurt anymore.

All the times I forgave them, came back, and continued to be a friend obviously wasn’t enough because the behavior that was an issue and problematic for me continued. I made the decision to be done with this toxic individual and damaging cycle for good.

But now what? With all that had been done to me, with all that had been taken from me without reciprocating, should I get them back in some way? Should I try to inflict a portion of the pain that I had endured on them?

The answer is and will remain No.

I needed to forgive myself.

I lost alot. I even lost myself. I yearned for the strength to become the person I was before I even knew of their existence…. but I first needed to come to terms with the role I played.

Why did I allow their words to eliminate their actions? Why did I keep giving chances to someone who showed me time and time again that they had no intention of ever changing their disrespectful and hurtful ways? My feelings didn’t matter. The effort I poured out didn’t matter. My tears didn’t even matter. I made the decision to leave and not return…. ever again.

I forgave myself for not leaving sooner. I forgave myself for not listening when others (so many others) told me to leave. I forgave myself for staying in an emotional abusive situation just to have an inconsistent feeling of having my own family. I forgave myself for not loving myself.

I needed to forgive myself as much as I need breath in my lungs.

I forgave.